A year and many changes

It's been almost a year since I last blogged. First let me get out all my excuses: I stopped due to depression. Then a miracle happened and my "childless-mother-depression" has since been gone. I'll get to that in a minute. And then I haven't blogged due to being plain too busy and tired. There, now that's out of the way.

In my last blog post I posted about getting new spring chicks. I have since gotten rid of all our chickens.  Nick and I have thrown around the idea of getting just two chicks this Spring, but I am not yet 100% convinced, as life as we know it is going to be turned upside down... for myself at least. 

I planted a garden and it was looking beautiful. Then life happened. I killed my garden.

We no longer are attempting any more international adoptions. We are also not playing the infertility game anymore. Those ships have long sailed away. Last January we started the process of getting licensed with our state to be foster parents. We have been licensed since May 31st of last year. 

The most exciting thing that happened to us this past year is that on May 31st, the day all our paperwork was signed off on a government workers desk, we received foster placement of the sweetest, most beautiful 5 month old baby boy. Our lives have been forever changed and we feel so blessed! For privacy purposes, we'll call him Beebaw (he loved to bee-bop to music, and thus his nickname formed). And while he's not ours legally, I will not be posting pictures of his face, which is quite unfortunate. He truly is a handsome little guy!

I have still been working full time, with Beebaw going to daycare. Our plan... no wait! I can't help but laugh at that word: plan. No "plan"of ours has ever gone to plan! What we were HOPING to do is have myself stay home full time if Beebaw were to legally become our son. We were thinking this might happen sometime in the first half of this year. However... "plans" have changed and now the plan is that Nick's dad will be moving in with us so he can have 24 hour care. This plan is slightly up in the air still. We are hoping to have things nailed down this week and then we can proceed with the needed changes.  

This next month, or rather YEAR, should be interesting to say the least!

Stay tuned...

Okay, well maybe not...

A quick update on our seemingly endless adoption. We received an email today stating that Kaed's birth country is in complete disarray. Elections are going on, people are getting killed, communication is nearly impossible. So, while things looked up in August, things are looking less than stellar right now.

We'll just keep trudging along in hopes that someday we may be able to bring this little guy home. Until then (if ever!) i'm still trying to catch that darn ovulation, and I think we're going to proceed in getting our foster license through our state and see where that takes us.

depression sucks

I've had a hard time putting my emotions into words. The following is the prefect description. When I read this, I felt encouraged yet sad that someone can explain and understand how I feel (the woman in the quotes). I haven't found the cure yet.

Depression associated with infertility is not the same as typical depression. Lisa Tuttle, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in fertility counseling, says that depression related to infertility is a combination of emotions: not just sadness, but jealousy, anger and grief. "Jealousy is probably the most painful, and more so because it's not really a socially acceptable emotion," says Tuttle. "There's also guilt for depriving spouses and parents of a child, loneliness and often loss of faith." Obsession is also a factor. Tuttle encounters many women who say they can't stop thinking about it, that it haunts them even while they're sleeping.

I am posting this only as a way for me to vent. I don't know if anyone will even read this, but i'm okay with it going into internet oblivion. I'm depesrate to feel better. Have a day when I don't feel a great sadness. Maybe me writing this out and journaling will help. Maybe not. We'll see.
(If you're curious, the full article can be found here.)

Pain has become a familiar friend,
waiting for a weak moment to draw me in.
My heart is like ice, careful where I tread,
the broken shards feel like glass upon my feet.
Constantly trying to drown out this anger inside me,
unable to concentrate at all.
I don’t have time for tears anymore,
if I did, I’d unendingly be weeping.
I’m living in a fog, not entirely sure where I’m headed,
what was once west is now east – I’m so lost.
My dreams are fading and I’m losing hope,
if this is not my purpose in life, what is?
My faith in what I believed to be truth is now a question.
I’m simply desperate for something,
but I don’t know what that something is.

letting go

If I had to give this season of my life a theme, I would call it "letting go". We've had to let go of any hope to bring home our son Macsyn. I've also had to let go of the hope I had for my mother to stop her destructive ways. Regularly I am reminded that God will not give us more than we can handle. Every week my heart heals just a little more.

Having to embrace the fact that I will never get to see my son, let alone know what will become of him, is not easy to grasp. I think about Macsyn everyday. It's hard not to consume my mind with thoughts of him. It's funny how healing works. I can go several days feeling happy, then the smallest thing will remind me of him and I spiral down for days, if not weeks, at a time. I recently thought that perhaps I was pregnant. It turns out I wasn't but a good friend of mine is, and that was really hard to hear. All I want is to be a mother... through adoption or biologically. I admit, watching all our friends with their children sometimes brings out the jealously monster in me. I'm not proud of this. I am trying to take these feelings to God and am working on this.

The other day I found out that my mother is engaged. Again. If this engagement is followed through with, this will be her seventh marriage. When I questioned my mother about the engagement, a storm of words erupted. I know my mother is an adult and can make her own decisions, but when we involve her in our lives and the consequences of her hasty decisions come about, we are all effected. Because of this, Nick and I have decided it would be best to remove ourselves from her destructive lifestyle. Many hurtful things were said over the weekend and it's hard to begin thinking about forgiving. I know, in the end, I will but I can't be naive and put my family in her destructive path. I can forgive, but won't forget. I do hope that she will be happy and have a successful marriage. I hope she will understand the holy covenant that marriage is and considers this. Only time will tell.

why is life so complicated?

First I want to say sorry to you few blog readers out there... I've been slacking :) There's so much I want to say, really vent, about. I don't feel I should share all the details as to what's been going on, but let me tell you it has been very stressful.
These past two months we have been in a "situation" with our adoption. On Thursday things got waaaay more complicated. Honestly, it's something I never would have expected... totally out of left field! Anyway, we're dealing with that right now and are waiting to see how it plays out.
We now have a very important decision to make. I will eventually share this with you, but feel it's not the right time yet. We are pretty sure what our decision will be, and it does bring joy to my heart during this otherwise stormy time.
I keep thinking that I wish I could fast forward time one year, to see how it all works out.

still waiting...

A week ago we were given some saddening news regarding our son and adoption. We're still praying about the situation and are waiting for "that call"... until then, we are just asking God to watch over our little one.