oh my goodness, I just quit my job

Wednesday I took a leap of faith and did something I never dreamed of doing... I gave my boss a letter of resignation. My last day will be March 8th, unless they give me the boot sooner. ;)

Nicks dad IS going to be moving in with us, so I will be here during the day to help him out. While I'm sure we are bound to butt heads now and then, I think it will be an overall positive thing for the entire family. Beebaw will get to have a grandfather in his daily life, and Papa will get to watch his grandson grow up. This also gives us the ability to have me be a stay at home mommy. I've wanted nothing more than to be able to stay home with our children. Now that the opportunity is here, i'm scared out of my wits!

I like my job and i've been there over 8 years. It's flexibility is great, and I love my coworker - she's a mother figure to me. However I feel bad for being the cause of them needing to train someone new. But, in the end, I need to do what is best for my family.

When I think about how i'll get to raise our children, not just in the evening and on weekends, I am overjoyed! And the idea of being able to get housework done, not just in the evening after baby's in bed & on the weekends when I want to rest, makes me ecstatic! We should be able to have some real family time when daddy's home from work now - not just running around trying to get stuff done.

So you see, it's a very bittersweet moment for me. I am incredibly excited to be starting this new chapter in our lives, full of new possibilities. It shall be an adventure indeed!

A sign of new beginnings.

depression sucks

I've had a hard time putting my emotions into words. The following is the prefect description. When I read this, I felt encouraged yet sad that someone can explain and understand how I feel (the woman in the quotes). I haven't found the cure yet.

Depression associated with infertility is not the same as typical depression. Lisa Tuttle, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in fertility counseling, says that depression related to infertility is a combination of emotions: not just sadness, but jealousy, anger and grief. "Jealousy is probably the most painful, and more so because it's not really a socially acceptable emotion," says Tuttle. "There's also guilt for depriving spouses and parents of a child, loneliness and often loss of faith." Obsession is also a factor. Tuttle encounters many women who say they can't stop thinking about it, that it haunts them even while they're sleeping.

I am posting this only as a way for me to vent. I don't know if anyone will even read this, but i'm okay with it going into internet oblivion. I'm depesrate to feel better. Have a day when I don't feel a great sadness. Maybe me writing this out and journaling will help. Maybe not. We'll see.
(If you're curious, the full article can be found here.)

bandaids for the heart

A couple horses on my side of the bridge

It definitely feels like fall here in western Washington. I love breathing in the clean crisp air and watching the leaves change to their new blazing colors. To me, this time of year has always held a magical feeling of change and new beginnings. I’m not too anxious for that feeling this year. I don’t imagine much will change in our lives, at least nothing of much consequence... My hens should start laying in a couple months…. I will have a reason to cozy up in a blanket with a cup of hot tea... I may teach myself to crochet again… Nick and I will celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary… but still, we will be a meager family of two for another fall and holiday season.

We are both still trying to move on from loosing Macsyn. My heart has felt so hard and cold ever since the day we found out he’d never come home. I admit, shamefully, that my relationship with God isn’t where it should be. I hold so much anger, bitterness and resentment in my heart. This is very bad. I know I need to get right with Him.

We don’t have a church we call home, though we’ve been searching for this for years. It’s been nearly 5 years since we were hurt to our cores by a church whose members we loved and cared so much for. We have since spoken with the senior pastor of that church and made amends. It’s nice to be able to drive past it and not feel total revulsion, but rather a happiness that we were able show him how we were hurt and for him to understand where we came from. When my feelings before were of anger and hurt, they are now of peace over the entire situation.

This time, though, there is no one to go to talk to about this hurt. No one except for God. And at this point I don’t know what to say, or how my heart can fully heal from this. I KNOW only in Him can I overcome this, but when it hurts so badly, you start to doubt whether or not a full recovery is possible.