If I were to give 2011 a theme name, I would call it "Moving On".

*I fear we will be forced to move on from our 2nd attempt at adoption. This is not definative yet, but we hope to have answers on this soon.

*We are attempting, once again, to add to our family biologically. No success yet, but we will keep trying.

*We have moved on from our former lifestyle for a healthier, more active one.

*If indeed we are at an impasse with our 2nd adoption attempt, we may consider adopting through the state.

*I'm no longer letting people get to me and try to break me down. If I can't handle you or your actions, I don't need to be around it. Save your drama for your mama! I will have none of it.

*And lastly, we are slowly but surely trying to move on from all the overwhelming sadness we have felt when it comes to our attempted adoption(s).

depression sucks

I've had a hard time putting my emotions into words. The following is the prefect description. When I read this, I felt encouraged yet sad that someone can explain and understand how I feel (the woman in the quotes). I haven't found the cure yet.

Depression associated with infertility is not the same as typical depression. Lisa Tuttle, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in fertility counseling, says that depression related to infertility is a combination of emotions: not just sadness, but jealousy, anger and grief. "Jealousy is probably the most painful, and more so because it's not really a socially acceptable emotion," says Tuttle. "There's also guilt for depriving spouses and parents of a child, loneliness and often loss of faith." Obsession is also a factor. Tuttle encounters many women who say they can't stop thinking about it, that it haunts them even while they're sleeping.

I am posting this only as a way for me to vent. I don't know if anyone will even read this, but i'm okay with it going into internet oblivion. I'm depesrate to feel better. Have a day when I don't feel a great sadness. Maybe me writing this out and journaling will help. Maybe not. We'll see.
(If you're curious, the full article can be found here.)