Monday, October 18, 2010

bandaids for the heart

A couple horses on my side of the bridge
It definitely feels like fall here in western Washington. I love breathing in the clean crisp air and watching the leaves change to their new blazing colors. To me, this time of year has always held a magical feeling of change and new beginnings. I’m not too anxious for that feeling this year. I don’t imagine much will change in our lives, at least nothing of much consequence... My hens should start laying in a couple months…. I will have a reason to cozy up in a blanket with a cup of hot tea... I may teach myself to crochet again… Nick and I will celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary… but still, we will be a meager family of two for another fall and holiday season.

We are both still trying to move on from loosing Macsyn. My heart has felt so hard and cold ever since the day we found out he’d never come home. I admit, shamefully, that my relationship with God isn’t where it should be. I hold so much anger, bitterness and resentment in my heart. This is very bad. I know I need to get right with Him.

We don’t have a church we call home, though we’ve been searching for this for years. It’s been nearly 5 years since we were hurt to our cores by a church whose members we loved and cared so much for. We have since spoken with the senior pastor of that church and made amends. It’s nice to be able to drive past it and not feel total revulsion, but rather a happiness that we were able show him how we were hurt and for him to understand where we came from. When my feelings before were of anger and hurt, they are now of peace over the entire situation.

This time, though, there is no one to go to talk to about this hurt. No one except for God. And at this point I don’t know what to say, or how my heart can fully heal from this. I KNOW only in Him can I overcome this, but when it hurts so badly, you start to doubt whether or not a full recovery is possible.

1 comment:

  1. its frustrating when the One you really want to talk to is the One you are hurt by. I've been struggling with the concept of God as Father for quite a while. I mean, my father died when I was a baby, leaving me with a mother that was an inconsistent and unpredictable alcoholic. With that experience with parents, how could I trust God as a parent? It finally came to me, as much as I love and nurture my children, God does that for me - and so much more. I could never stop loving my children and therefore, he couldn't stop loving me. He is not the judgmental and condemning parent I was hiding from. He is the loving and forgiving God who really does know all, forgives all. I've started talking to him again and putting my cares in his hands. I'll pray for you Sarah. Ask God to help you talk to him again. Mikki D