If I had to give this season of my life a theme, I would call it "letting go". We've had to let go of any hope to bring home our son Macsyn. I've also had to let go of the hope I had for my mother to stop her destructive ways. Regularly I am reminded that God will not give us more than we can handle. Every week my heart heals just a little more.
Having to embrace the fact that I will never get to see my son, let alone know what will become of him, is not easy to grasp. I think about Macsyn everyday. It's hard not to consume my mind with thoughts of him. It's funny how healing works. I can go several days feeling happy, then the smallest thing will remind me of him and I spiral down for days, if not weeks, at a time. I recently thought that perhaps I was pregnant. It turns out I wasn't but a good friend of mine is, and that was really hard to hear. All I want is to be a mother... through adoption or biologically. I admit, watching all our friends with their children sometimes brings out the jealously monster in me. I'm not proud of this. I am trying to take these feelings to God and am working on this.
The other day I found out that my mother is engaged. Again. If this engagement is followed through with, this will be her seventh marriage. When I questioned my mother about the engagement, a storm of words erupted. I know my mother is an adult and can make her own decisions, but when we involve her in our lives and the consequences of her hasty decisions come about, we are all effected. Because of this, Nick and I have decided it would be best to remove ourselves from her destructive lifestyle. Many hurtful things were said over the weekend and it's hard to begin thinking about forgiving. I know, in the end, I will but I can't be naive and put my family in her destructive path. I can forgive, but won't forget. I do hope that she will be happy and have a successful marriage. I hope she will understand the holy covenant that marriage is and considers this. Only time will tell.